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John Mulaney has extremely precise comedic timing, very specific childhood stories, and an incredibly unique voice that makes his comedy so quotable. If you haven’t already, these quotes are perfect to integrate into your daily vernacular. Not in any particular order, all equally as quotable and funny, this list will give you a rundown of just a few of the bits easy to repeat on a daily basis.
1. Real Estate Agent
In this bit, John Mulaney explains his real estate agent’s desire for him and his wife to have a baby. She constantly pushes for homes with a smaller room for a nursery, or for homes with nice backyards for “a couple of little ones…running around in the grass.” But the funniest part of this bit is when Mulaney gestures to the ground and says, “Here’s an on-fire garbage can…could be a nursery.”
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, or a moment that requires a change in topic, it’s difficult not to wiggle a little shoulder and look down at an imaginary on-fire garbage can and in the most white-suburban mom voice say, “…could be a nursery.” In this bit, John Mulaney showcases a relatable, accurate representation of realtors and suburban moms.
2. One Black Coffee
Halfway through the Netflix special Comeback Kid, Mulaney tells the story of when his father pulled up to McDonald’s in a minivan full of cheering children to order a single black coffee. At the end of the special, when his mother excitedly says they have to go to meet Bill Clinton, his father replies with, “Why? It’s not like he’ll remember you.” Mulaney then looks at the crowd and says, “One black coffee. Same motherfucker.”
The brutal hilarity of a strict father is both relatable to those with similar experiences and undoubtedly one of Mulaney’s best callbacks. It’s so shocking that it’s impossible not to quote on a daily basis. If someone does something as heartless as Chip Mulaney or if you’re just looking for a good laugh, this bit is the way to go.
3. The Doctor’s Gone!
The bit where John Mulaney tells the story of when he lied about frequent urination to possibly get a Xanax prescription has so many quotable moments that the end of the bit largely goes unnoticed. However, when Batman Nurse comes shuffling back into the office and Mulaney tries to speak to the doctor, the two phrases the nurse yells are unforgettable. First, when Mulaney wakes up from fainting, he yells, “You gotta go!” and when Mulaney asks to speak to the doctor, he yells,
“The doctor’s gone!”
Although the rest of the bit is admittedly funnier than this small interaction at the end, these two quotes fit so neatly into daily conversations. Any time you’re waiting on someone who’s making you late it’s so easy to say, “You gotta go!” to which they can reply, “The doctor’s gone!” If you are someone who often quotes John Mulaney’s Netflix specials and you haven’t used this one yet, you definitely should.
4. College
John Mulaney tells his audience to stop going to college until we figure out what it is because he regrets paying $120,000 to be an English major. But what’s truly funny about this bit is his college asking for an alumnus donation and he repeats over and over,
“I have already paid them $120,000!”
Hating on your college for taking your money is something many college students can relate to, and most can’t wait until the day their student loans are paid off. So when your college tuition goes up again for the third year in a row, or you get a letter asking for an alumnus gift, summon your inner John Mulaney and yell, “You have the audacity! To ask me for more money?”
5. Quack, Quack!
This very specific interaction with an eccentric old man has so many quotable moments. Mulaney gives his audience an insight into one of his old temp jobs in which his boss walked in from the rain and said something so odd that Mulaney thinks about it “every god damn day.”
“Ahh! One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet!”
“Ooh ducklings!”
“Too old to be a duckling, quack quack!”
John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid
The rest of the bit consists of Mulaney breaking down that entire interaction, and each break down is quotable in its own right. To people who know what you’re referencing, when you walk into a room or begin a conversation, you can simply go, “Ahh!” as anyone would start a conversation. And of course, whenever it rains any part of this quote would work.
6. New In Town
The name of his first Netflix special, this bit is funny as a greeting to friends or siblings who are in on the joke. Mulaney tells his audience that a man on the streets of New York walked up to him and said the following:
“I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, and I’m new in town.”
Part of this bit that’s so quotable is Mulaney’s breakdown of what he believes the man to have been thinking that morning. “I’m gonna walk up to him and I’m gonna push him,” is an easy way to get friends to laugh when you first meet up with them for the day. Yelling loudly, “I’m gaaaaay” or saying, “Hi I am very gay and I’d like a few dollars,” are perfect jokes for the LGBTQIA+ community.
7. Street Smarts
Street Smarts with J.J. Bittenbinder is one of the bits anyone who has seen Kid Gorgeous remembers the most. This is quite a long bit, beginning with assemblies and the woman with homemade puppets who drove a Dodge Neon, then ending with the infamous Detective Bittenbinder.
There are so many quotes to choose from within this bit from making a punching sound effect and waving your hand as if you had just punched out a taillight, to frantically yelling, “Street smarts!” any time anyone mentions John Mulaney. What makes it so hilarious is Mulaney’s over-the-top mimicry of the detective’s Chicago accent that you can’t quote this bit without.
8. Mick Jagger
John Mulaney often talks about his time as an SNL writer, most notably his bit explaining to people that celebrities aren’t nice. As he wrote a skit song with Mick Jagger, the singer would point and say “No!” or “Yes!” to each of Mulaney’s suggestions. But the best part of this bit is when Mulaney writes a joke that Mick Jagger doesn’t like and he yells “Not funnaaaaay!!”
Mulaney’s interaction with Mick Jagger on SNL can be used to shut down anyone who makes a joke you don’t particularly enjoy. You can also use it to make fun of a movie or video that wasn’t funny to you and make the people around you laugh in the process.
9. Dog Trainer
This bit about John Mulaney’s dog, Petunia, is good for making your friends and family laugh at a restaurant when the silence becomes too much. When the dog trainer shows up at his apartment she immediately points at Mulaney and says, “You are no longer the alpha of the house” to which he replies, “I was never alpha of the house.” This part of the bit is a good quote for self-deprecating humor, but there’s another one that is far more quotable.
When Mulaney has to pretend to eat dinner so Petunia thinks he eats first, he says, “I shit you not, every afternoon we take down empty bowls and spoons and in front of her we go ‘Mmmm dinner, good dinner!'” This is perfect for any time you’re eating food and want to get a laugh out of your friends.
10. Horse In A Hospital
John Mulaney rarely gets into politics, but this bit about Trump is one of his most hilarious. This is the perfect metaphor for America’s current situation. Mulaney says that Trump being in office is “like there’s a horse loose in a hospital.” There are so many moments that correlate directly with how the president acts, like when Mulaney says you haven’t heard from the horse in a few days until you start to hear the clopping of hooves somewhere above you during surgery, or when the horse uses the elevator and Mulaney says, “I didn’t know he knew how to do that.”
This bit is really perfect to quote whenever politics comes up at a family dinner and you want to diffuse the tension, or even among friends just to try and make light of the situation when politics in America seems to be getting more depressing as time goes on. Either way, “Horse in a Hospital” is sure to come up more than once after you’ve watched Kid Gorgeous.
Wrap-Up
Apologies if your favorite John Mulaney quote didn’t make it to this list, especially since it leaves out “Salt and Pepper Diner” as well as The Sack Lunch Bunch. But hopefully, it reminds you of some bits you’ve forgotten about since the last time you watched one of John Mulaney’s Netflix specials. And maybe you already quote these bits, if so, welcome to the club.