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Conan Gray released his debut album “Kid Krow” on March 20, 2020, and has received praise from fans, critics, and other musical artists. This coming-of-age album captures Gray’s volatile adolescence with themes such as poverty, mental health, friendship, and heartache. Through his music, Conan Gray explores the messy and painful parts of growing up and the hard lessons we learn through disillusionment, loss, and heartbreak. This includes a lesson every teen and young adult must learn: knowing when to end a relationship and how to process the break-up.
The end of a relationship, whether it’s platonic or romantic, is a complicated emotional experience filled with relief, anger, hurt, regret, retrospection, guilt, and longing. Some break-ups are messier than others, but they all require time to process and move on from. Break-ups are inevitable, so we all have to learn when to leave a relationship or accept the end of a relationship. It’s one of the biggest emotional challenges of growing up. Through his album, Conan Gray explores the challenge of ending a relationship and the importance of self-worth and self-love.
Conan Gray On Past Anguish & Unhealthy Relationships
Sometimes we’re in relationships that we don’t want to end, even though subconsciously we know they aren’t good for us. It can be difficult to recognize an unhealthy relationship, especially when you still love the person. Toxicity in media is always easy for the viewers to recognize, but in real life it’s more subtle. And it can be painfully difficult to accept. A good relationship can slowly become toxic, so it’s easy to make excuses for someone that you have good memories of. Being able to recognize a relationship as emotionally harmful is a skill that people struggle with throughout their lives.
Conan Gray’s “Wish You Were Sober” and “The Cut That Always Bleeds” perfectly captures the internal disharmony that occurs when you are being mistreated by someone you love and cherish. When a loved one associated with happiness, safety, and affection treats you poorly, your brain reaches a crossroad. The person’s behavior is either toxic and you need to leave, or it’s okay and you can stay. When you stand at that crossroad, you experience extreme discomfort and instability.
“Wish You Were Sober”
The song “Wish You Were Sober” focuses on an incident from Conan Gray’s teenage years in which his crush would confess their love for him, but only when they were black out drunk. The song embodies the pain and frustration of being loved and hurt by the same person over and over again. While it’s an emotionally harmful situation, it’s difficult to leave when the good is mixed with the bad.
To resolve the dissonance, Gray’s crush needs to love him while sober, or reject him while drunk. Conan Gray’s crush needs to decide what they want, but so does Gray. Conan Gray expresses this with the lyrics “I’ma crawl outta the window no/Getting good at saying, ‘gotta bounce’/Honestly you always let me down.” While Conan Gray wants his crush to honestly choose to be with him, he accepts that this situation needs to come to end. This is an exhausting situation. And he’s aware that he doesn’t need to wait around. While leaving isn’t easy, it’s a path he’s considering.
“The Cut That Always Bleeds”
“The Cut That Always Bleeds” describes a similar cognitive dissonance. The song is described as a “melodramatic break-up ballad” about a person that keeps breaking Conan Gray’s heart. He wants to move on, but they keep coming back and abandoning, a toxic pattern. The lyrics “I don’t love you anymore/A pretty line that I adore/Five words that I’ve heard before” paint a clear picture. His crush repeatedly rejects him, but they keep Conan Gray on the hook, a “plan b” that they can always come back to.
Conan Gray is a “lover on a lease” and is aware how toxic this dynamic is. They won’t commit to Conan, but they also won’t give the space to heal from the heartbreak they cause. They just come and go as they wish, disregarding his feelings. While he is aware this behavior is unacceptable, he keeps accepting them when they come back, accepting the painful consequences. Conan Gray knows he shouldn’t be treated this way, but keeps the dynamic going, showing how difficult it is to end a relationship. Many people have done the same, hoping that things will be different this next time.
Both songs demonstrate that acknowledging a harmful relationship is the difficult first step towards a break up, or towards change. In both these songs, Conan Gray wants to give his crush a chance. Sometimes honestly expressing problems to a person can lead to positive change in a relationship. Change takes a lot of time and effort, but when done right it can strengthen a relationship. But sometimes, the people we open ourselves up to view our honesty as inconveniences. Sometimes a relationship is beyond repair. That’s when we should leave.
But even when we understand that leaving is what we need to do, it’s difficult because that person still makes us feel happy or loved or taken care of or hopeful. Or maybe they don’t anymore, but we cling to the past when they did. Good memories create a dissonance with a toxic present and make it hard for us to end a relationship. Both songs capture the desire for escape and hope for change that happens before a break up.
Breaking Up
When a relationship finally comes to an end, it’s difficult to predict what the break up will look like and how you’ll react to it. It often depends on whether you’re the one ending it or the one being dumped. Or if it’s mutual break up. Sometimes you’re able to end the relationship on your terms, and sometimes you aren’t. There different types of endings and different ways of processing them.
It’s difficult to summarize all the types of break ups, but Conan Gray is able to express the diversity of the experience with his songs “Checkmate” and “Fight or Flight.” These break up songs explore the end of two different relationships and the emotions of those final moments. The type of relationship it was before the break up affects his reaction and how he processes the end. Whether he was the one ending the relationship or not also makes a difference.
“Checkmate”
The song “Checkmate” focuses on ending a relationship because the other person was disrespectful. Some emotionally harmful relationships can be both sided: both people are hurting the other, not because they are bad people, but because good people can make each other unhappy sometimes. But in some cases, you realize you aren’t being treated with the respect you deserve.
“Checkmate” empowers anyone who has been taken for granted or toyed with and validates their rage. The lyrics “Flirting with them but telling me you’re mine/Buildin’ me up, but buttercup, you lied/Now I’m gonna ruin your life” expresses the anger of having been lied to and played with.
They also capture the empowerment that comes with putting the situation to an end. Conan Gray describes this as a revenge song and the music video is definitely based on that theme. But it isn’t just about getting revenge on someone who has hurt you, it’s about declaring that you deserve more. It’s angry, but also a cathartic release. The song embodies the exhilaration of ending something on your term. And if you’re Conan Gray, your terms are sending cheaters to a deserted island.
“Fight or Flight”
“Fight or Flight” is when things don’t end on your terms. In this one, Conan Gray becomes aware that the person he loves is in love with someone else. He is aware that the end is coming, but that doesn’t numb the pain when he is dumped. When someone doesn’t value the relationship anymore, you feel small and disposable. “Fight of Flight” explores those feelings and the hurt that comes with them.
Relationships change over time, and sometimes people stop needing or wanting certain people. This is normal, but it is still painful. Conan Gray sings about that pain, but also explores the power he has despite it not being on his terms. The lyrics “My eyes are welling up, as you admit there’s someone new/It’s my move/Fight or flight,” mean he can try to convince them to pick him instead, or he can leave. And it’s clear that Conan Gray has decided to leave. He’d “rather die/than have to cry in front of [them]” and would “rather lie/than tell, I’m in love with you.”
Why not cry in front of them? It could be because he doesn’t want to give them the satisfaction of knowing how much they hurt him, or it could be because he doesn’t think they deserve that emotional intimacy. Both are common reactions to being hurt by someone you love. It’s the same with telling someone you love them. You don’t want to say that to someone you don’t think deserves it, even if you do love them.
The emotions of a break up vary depending on the situation and depending on what you need to heal and move on. Even if you’re not the one ending it, you can do things on your terms, whether that’s revenge or deciding someone is not worth any kind of emotional intimacy. A break up is a change, and all change is scary and exhilarating. You can’t stop it, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. It’s exhilarating because there’s potential for something great.
Conan Gray’s Post-Break Up Celebration
After the break up, you still have a lot to process. Even if the break up was on your terms, you can have regrets and can be traumatized from past abuse. But eventually, you’ll reach a point where you know you did what was best for yourself and you know you’re better off without that person in your life. And the feeling is so fucking cathartic.
“Maniac” captures that catharsis perfectly. The song is based on a break up in which Conan Gray’s ex kept texting/calling him just to call him a crazy obsessive stalker. Gray knew he was okay, that his ex was one not in the right mind. The relationship was in the past, he didn’t need to be pulled back into drama. “Maniac” represents being over a relationship and freeing yourself from a person’s toxicity.
The lyrics “But I’m past that and you know that/So you should turn back to your rat pack, tell ’em trash” are a declaration that he is done with the drama, he is done with being hurt emotionally, and he is done with that person. It’s hard to put an old relationship into your past, but it feels electrifying to finally do so.
It’s Not The End Of The Story
“Kid Krow” is about adolescence, both the good parts and the bad. We make mistakes growing up and we have to learn a lot of hard lessons. We have to learn to navigate relationships and how to take care of ourselves. This means learning to end relationships and accepting the end of relationships. People we love will take advantage of, disrespect, reject, leave, and gaslight us. It’s difficult to recognize, leave, and move on, but in the end it’s better for us. In the end we will be free of something harmful and have more room for people who don’t hurt us.
The album also includes “Comfort Crowd” and “[Can We Be Friends]” which focus on being with people who care about you, who are there for the good and bad. Not all relationships end, they change as you grow up but still bring good vibes into your life. Growing up means learning when to end things, but it’s also about cherishing the people who support, inspire, comfort, accept, and love you. The end of relationships aren’t the end of the story.
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