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Many of us have a specific relationship to reading that stems from our first encounter with it. Perhaps you remember the first chapter book you ever read, your first purchase from the Scholastic Book Fair, or the first time you lined up at the theater to see the adaptation of your favorite series.
We stack those memories together like bricks, the emotions we experienced smeared thick as mortar between them. But memory is also a fickle thing; it ebbs and flows as we grow, influencing our present and our future despite its affinity for inconsistency and deference to nostalgia. Its innate contradictory nature makes memory an unreliable foundation.
For those of us who are neurodivergent, memory can add an extra layer of complexity in which we interact with the world. It is flexible and pliant, moldable, easily misconstrued and misinterpreted, perhaps even entirely misremembered altogether.
After being diagnosed with ADHD in our mid-twenties, much of our relationship with reading and literature began to make sense. We started to understand why we could obsessively read a 500-page book in one sitting and then not be able to pick up another book for six months. But realizing the connection did not give us the power to do anything about it. Combined with Anxiety, Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, and an unhealthy relationship with existential dread, our brain has converted one of our favorite pastimes into an increasingly stressful problem.
The ADHD Brain
There are a million things that can be — and have been — said about the impacts ADHD has on a person’s life, all of them entirely unique to each individual. We are naturally curious people, sometimes to a fault (a quality that gets exacerbated by ADHD). Exploring our diagnosis with our therapist was liberating and enlightening, tempered by frustration.
So many aspects of the disorder have the potential to affect a person’s relationship to reading and we found this to be true for ourselves. Having trouble focusing for long periods, difficulty getting and/or staying motivated, the desire to finish a task quickly, lack of interest, PDA (Persistent Drive For Autonomy / Pathological Demand Avoidance), and executive dysfunction are all active parts of our ADHD experience — all active participants in our relationship to reading. To what we can only assume was the bemusement of our amazingly patient and indulgent therapist, we made it our mission to thoughtfully explore our behaviors and analyze if they were either (1) a symptom of ADHD, (2) a product of two decades worth of unhealthy coping mechanisms stemming from a lack of diagnosis and treatment, or (3) just a part of our personality.
Regardless, it was fascinating to see how a lot of our behavior could be loosely divided into two categories: “probably related to ADHD,” or “probably not related to ADHD.” Trouble getting motivated to do an uninteresting task? Probably ADHD. A tendency to people, please? Probably a result of coping with undiagnosed ADHD. Baking ability? Probably not related to ADHD. And so we inspected the crevices of our brain, poking and prodding, fascinated by this newfound context for why and how our brain does what it does.
Until we reached memory.
During a conversation completely unrelated to ADHD, our therapist asked a question about childhood; we do not remember what her inquiry was (ironic, right?) but we remember immediately launching into a tangent about how we have very little memory of my childhood —
“But it’s not just that, we have a hard time remembering details even from when I was a teenager.”
While we were certainly surprised, our therapist did not seem to be. She explained that it was incredibly common for people with ADHD to struggle with long-term memory. Up until this point, we were confident in our defiance of ADHD stereotypes; we were not physically hyperactive, we didn’t have bad grades throughout school, and we didn’t have a history of “difficult behavior,” yet here we stood, proud and relieved that we had advocated for ourselves throughout the diagnosis process.
That is why, looking back on it now, We are not sure why we were so reluctant to believe ADHD could be the culprit behind our flimsy memory. Weren’t people with ADHD supposed to have a bad short-term memory because of how hard it can be to pay attention? Almost immediately after that therapy session, we took our questions to Google Scholar (because of course) to whet our curiosity.
It was not that we didn’t trust our therapist — we did, and we definitely planned to arrive at our next appointment with a list of follow-up questions — but for anyone who has more ADHD-driven curiosity than they do sense, it is impossible to wait for answers to be hand-delivered to you (the easy way) when you could go digging for them yourself (the hard way).
Over the next few weeks we did not just unlearn more stereotypes about ADHD, we discovered a fascinating divide in the world of psychology and memory — a divide that helped us piece together the intersection between our ADHD, memory, and its relationship to reading.
Working Memory, Short-Term Memory, & Reading
Unbeknownst to those of us who are not directly involved in the study of psychology, a discrepancy has evolved surrounding the definition of memory; specifically, researchers are at odds about whether or not “short-term memory” and “working memory” are separate yet related functions, or if they are simply two interchangeable terms for the same concept.
Nelson Cowan, Lab Director at the University of Missouri’s Department of Psychological Sciences, has been researching aspects of memory for more than 40 years. In 2008, he published a chapter in the academic research journal Progress In Brain Research titled, “What are the differences between long-term, short-term, and working memory?” Cowan states that this chapter “strives to reduce that confusion and makes up-to-date assessments of these types of memory” because recent literature has shown that there is “considerable confusion” about these terms (( Cowan, Nelson. “What are the differences between long-term, short-term, and working memory?.” Progress in brain research vol. 169 (2008): 323-38. doi:10.1016/S0079-6123(07)00020-9 )).
Cowan makes the argument that short-term memory and working memory are not interchangeable terms for the same concept; instead, he explains that short-term memory is a part of working memory, and vice versa — a relationship that allows us to “make use of” short-term memory (( Cowan, 2008 )). As such, Cowan has distinct definitions for each term.
“I take [short-term memory] to reflect faculties of the human mind that can hold a limited amount of information in a very accessible state temporarily.”
(( Cowan, 2008 ))
He then uses a clever example within his very own writing to define working memory. “One relies on working memory to retain the partial results while solving an arithmetic problem without paper, to combine the premises in a lengthy rhetorical argument, or to bake a cake without making the unfortunate mistake of adding the same ingredient twice. (Your working memory would have been more heavily taxed while reading the previous sentence if I had saved the phrase “one relies on working memory” until the end of the sentence, which I did within my first draft of that sentence; working memory thus affects good writing)” (( Cowan, 2008 )).
It is well-documented that people with ADHD struggle with memory recall; this is particularly evident when dealing with short-term and working memory. Interestingly, the pervasive stereotype that we just cannot pay attention is not what researchers believe causes this issue.
According to Walter Roberts, Richard Milich, and Mark T. Fillmore’s 2012 article, “Constraints on Information Processing Capacity in Adults with ADHD,” people with and without ADHD have the same capacity to receive data presented to them but those with ADHD may not be able to process that data as quickly or effectively (( Roberts, Walter et al. “Constraints on information processing capacity in adults with ADHD.” Neuropsychology vol. 26,6 (2012): 695-703. doi:10.1037/a0030296 )). Furthermore, a connection has been made between poor working memory and long-term memory. Researchers proposed in 2021 that data effectively processed by working memory is more likely to be retained in long-term memory.
That is all to say, someone with ADHD who does not process data effectively with their working memory is much more likely to struggle with storing — and subsequently retrieving — long-term memories. This makes sense when you consider how the ADHD brain reacts to stimuli. Overstimulation happens easily and can be paired with trouble paying attention to the “correct” things or trying to preemptively find and complete patterns (( CDC. “Symptoms and Diagnosis of ADHD.” September 27, 2023. )). For our working memory, receiving data and processing it for storage is incredibly difficult because the short-term memory is struggling to give it a complete picture.
All of this information is certainly interesting on its own, but you may recall (or not; if you’re like us, maybe you skimmed over it) the connection we claimed to have made between it and our relationship with reading. This niche debate amongst psychologists is about memory, which doesn’t — on the surface — quite make sense; after all, we do not have trouble remembering what we have read. But, like everything else we have discovered about ADHD, there is always more to it.
“Reading For Pleasure”
When someone asks what our favorite book is, there is panic. Sure, a lot of that could be because of social anxiety (“Oh my God, someone asked me a question. How do I answer without sounding stupid or weird?”), but some of it is because we are being asked to recall every book we have ever read and rank them on some arbitrary scale. It should be something that isn’t too pretentious but also not too childish, interesting but not niche, unique but not unheard of, and — maybe worst of all — it should come with a “why.” Is it a childhood favorite? Perhaps something assigned by a teacher ultimately changed your life in profound ways. Maybe you and your mom bonded over it for the first time at the book club?
Books are so delicately intertwined with memory -– for avid readers, especially. Every book exists in our minds as part of different memories — memories of where you were the first time you read a certain scene, what was happening in your life when you chose to escape into a fictional world, or even more tangible connections like memories of meeting an author or making online friends with other people who like the same books.
But what about those of us who don’t, who can’t, make memories the same way the average person does? For us, it’s as if the books we have read exist less as parts of memories and more as singular, unattached files of information. When we reach for one of those files, we can see the basic information (plot, characters, etc.) as well as recall how we feel about the book (like, dislike, etc.) but very rarely are we presented with tangential information. We’re sure if we think long enough we can remember where we were when we read a book, or vaguely how old we may have been, but there is hardly ever a strong memory that we associate with reading it.
On its own, this problem is mostly social; in fact, we do not think this is something we even consciously think about when we are not specifically engaging in conversation about books with other people. But once we read about the concept of working memory, how ADHD influences it, and the ramifications that it has on a person’s memory as a whole, it struck us that this could help explain our fluctuating desire to read. Essentially, the concept that creates a distinct separation between short-term and working memory is the exact same concept that influences our previously unexplained binge reading (and the stress that accompanies it).
A Step-By-Step Comparison — Memory-Influenced Binge Reading
Dr. Crystal I. Lee is a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles with a lengthy history in researching and treating neurodivergent patients, specializing in adults with ADHD and autism. We are going to use her explanation of short-term versus working memory through the lens of an ADHD brain as a way to showcase its connection to reading.
To begin, Dr. Lee agrees with Cowan and Roberts et. al.
“Many psychologists use the terms ‘working memory’ and ‘short-term memory’ interchangeably. Others define them in the same way we do: as distinct but related abilities. In our view, short-term memory refers to a person’s ability to temporarily activate a long-term memory in the short term. Working memory enables that person to put that memory into use by focusing on a subset or ‘chunk’ of it and processing it in a specific way. In other words, it’s the ability to store and manipulate information in one’s mind for a short period of time (usually 10-15 seconds).”
(( Lee, Crystal I. “What Is Working Memory? An ADHD Specialist Explains.” Accessed October 13, 2023. )).
Lee then gives an example: Someone with good short-term memory ability can remember and repeat a short sequence of numbers in the same order they originally learned them. Unless that person also has a strong working memory ability, however, they might not be able to manipulate the order of those numbers if asked to, for example, say them backward (( Lee, 2023 )).
“Someone with good short-term memory ability can remember and repeat a short sequence of numbers in the same order they originally learned them.”
Our desire to read is heavily influenced by our past experiences with reading; theoretically, this means that our short-term memory has seemingly effectively processed and stored our past experiences with reading in our long-term memory. We have a long history of enjoying books and almost no negative experiences associated with doing so. This makes the choice to read an inviting one. Because our ADHD brain is always seeking a hit of dopamine, this easy, inviting choice is going to immediately skyrocket to the top of the “want” list.
“Unless that person also has a strong working memory ability, however, they might not be able to manipulate the order of those numbers if asked to, for example, say them backward.”
When we initially have the desire to read (which is influenced by our long-term memories as explained above), several thoughts, decisions, and actions must take place. What are we currently doing? Where are we, and do we have access to a book? Do we have time-sensitive commitments? Are there other activities we want to do more? All of this can be determined as we evaluate relevant short-term memories and utilize our working memory to assess their priority. The process, while incredibly stressful, is not at all dissimilar to how our brain addresses every want and need. Unfortunately, the reality is that means we are overwhelmed and exhausted before we even begin doing basic daily tasks, making “simple” decisions, or enjoying fun activities.
Our brain’s inability to effectively manage working memory causes us to choose not to do something we know we will enjoy, like reading, because we have used up all our available mental and emotional energy to process the decision. After this happens enough times, we stop trying to decide at all. Perhaps being able to leave it at that — a decision to not read anymore — would be alright; miserable, but at least better than inflicting anxiety upon ourselves.
But no.
Instead, we have anxiety about how we want to read, how there are endless stories out there, and even if we read every day we would never be able to consume them all. A new book by my favorite author! The final installment of a beloved series! An irresistible debut! All things we are missing out on. Eventually, we break and decide we want to read. You know what happens next.
Rinse and repeat.
Making An Epic Out Of A Haiku
Because those of us with ADHD collect niche interests like crows collect shiny things, we are now invested in this tiny subset of psychologists researching memory. The idea that working memory and short-term memory may affect people with ADHD specifically because of our desire for dopamine and proclivity toward executive dysfunction and anxiety is one fascinating fissure of academia we never expected myself to fall into.
As rates of ADHD diagnosis increase (especially in adult women), we expect there will be much more interest in — and hopefully funding for — research into these weird little aspects of the disorder. Even then, knowing about something doesn’t always mean it will become easier to manage. Having access to medication and therapy-based treatment for ADHD has undeniably and drastically changed my life for the better.
Yet, there are still symptoms that we may never be able to fully eliminate (and knowing that can be — you guessed it — yet another source of anxiety). Fortunately, and so many others, our innate, obsessive curiosity can usually be counted on to swoop in and save the day. Anxiety is no match for a good old-fashioned Wikipedia rabbit hole at 3:00 a.m.