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I became an overnight caretaker in the Spring of 2014. My mom had a migraine so I took her to the Emergency Room. Three days later she was in the operating room for her first brain surgery to relieve the pressure on her brain due to a genetic predisposition to hydrocephalus; currently my mom is the survivor of three separate brain surgeries.
I became a caretaker a second time when I was granted legal guardianship of my nephew in the Winter of 2016. I became an overnight mom to an amazing little human. In the blink of an eye (or two and a half years) I was a full-time caregiver. I imagine some people are in caretaking situations similar to mine due to COVID-19. Here are some pop culture mediums that helped me on my journey to being a full-time caregiver.
Grey’s Anatomy
I used to consume Grey’s Anatomy: the drama is rich, the humor wry and the McNames were everything to me. Several episodes over the years have featured medical conditions that my mom suffers from. Those episodes hit too close to home. The episodes are not exact depictions of the struggle my family went through while my mom was in the hospital, but the storylines are close enough to bring back hurtful memories.
In addition to the multitude of medical conditions and disorders highlighted on the show, Grey’s Anatomy showcases many forms of caretaking. The caretakers are parents, doctors, guardians, friends and individuals. There is some comfort to be found watching humans be human; the relationships are the backbone of Grey’s Anatomy. The intertwining love and friendships in Seattle Grace Hospital are endlessly fascinating.
What It Taught Me
Life is a drama and that’s okay.
What It Can Teach You
Find your person in life, your partner in crime and companion admits the craziness. Treat yourself to a glass (or three) of wine in your pajamas on a Tuesday night. There is no way you can put in doctor’s hours without taking a moment to yourself.
Buffy The Vampire Slayer
I was binge-watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer when I came to THAT storyline. Remember when Buffy lost her mom and dropped out of school to care for her sister? Heart-wrenching. Watching Buffy try to grieve, survive and caretake is such an honest portrayal of the caretaking struggle.
That storyline stopped me in my tracks. Here was a heroine I looked up to for her strong sense of self and her badass slaying skills, she was struggling in the same way I was.
What It Taught Me
It is possible; surviving, thriving, feeling, acting, and doing it all.
What It Can Teach You
The person you are caretaking for may not appreciate you or acknowledge your efforts. That’s okay, caretaking is not a job that depends on verbal gratitude. Living your life in such a way to be in service to others is how I describe being a caretaker. I find satisfaction and happiness in doing for others what they cannot do themselves.
Silver Linings Playbook
Silver Linings Playbook may be my favorite movie. The actors, Jennifer Lawrence in particular, do a fantastic job portraying the intricacy of mental illness. Their version really aligns with my journey so it was wonderfully painful to see that on the silver screen. Silver Linings Playbook allowed me to shine a light on my own issues and feelings of inadequacies as a human and caretaker.
It let me look at myself and learn to accept that I’m not perfect. This is an extremely hard lesson, one which I am still learning. As much as it hurts to admit, I’m not some super perfect caretaking superhero.
What It Taught Me
“I do this! Time after time after time! I do all this shit for other people! And then I wake up and I’m empty! I have nothing!” — Tiffany Maxwell
Silver Linings Playbook
What It Can Teach You
Be kind to yourself. You’ll find an aspect of caretaking that you feel unsure about. You might feel inadequate and that someone else could be doing a better job. If the medical issues are serious enough, the subject of moving to a nursing or assisted living home may arise. You might feel like a professional could do a better job. I felt that way. I still feel that way. I ask myself: can a professional provide the love and care you do?
Hunchback Of Notre Dame
I’ve loved the Disney version of Hunchback of Notre Dame since it was released in 1996. I was fortunate enough to see The Hunchback of Notre Dame play — which debuted in 1999 — perform live last year. Seeing one of my favorite movies (and soundtrack!) come to life was amazing. My love of the story matured after that viewing; I watched the play through the eyes of a mom and caretaker.
I watched Lord Frollo’s obsession with power fracture the relationship with his brother and twist into the snarl of feelings for his nephew, Quasimodo.
What It Taught Me
Even though Quasimodo grew up without love and guidance, he was kind and considerate. Quasimodo was honest and compassionate in his aide of the gypsies. “What makes a monster and what makes a man?” This is a question asked numerous times in renditions of Hunchback of Notre Dame. As a caretaker, I alter that refrain to: “What is easy and what is right?” It’s tempting to take the easy path, however, acting as a caretaker, taking the quick route is not usually the right path. The correct path in my life is generally a good, worthwhile struggle.
What It Can Teach You
“And he knew this was the moment / He must make a choice / God help the outcasts / Or nobody will!” — Phoebus
“Esmerelda,” Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Harry Potter
Can I make a list without including Harry Potter? No, I cannot. When I became a parent, I made the conscious decision to include Harry Potter in my child’s life. There is so much to learn from the series: love, compassion, sacrifice, and advocacy.
Harry and the Potters
I distinctly remember being twenty-three and home alone for the first time. It was late at night and I had just got home from the hospital in the big town, one hour away. It was the very beginning of my journey as a caretaker. I was listening to a playlist I had of Harry and the Potters, the wizard rock band. I got to the song “Save Ginny Weasley” and just started crying. Hearing the refrain “You can’t take my best friend’s sister” provided the comfort I needed when I was feeling desperately alone and helpless.
Lauren Fairweather
I was introduced to Lauren Fairweather from one of Harry and the Potter’s concerts. Her “Prince’s Tale” CD is a sweet and somber retelling of Severus Snape’s journey in the Harry Potter series. It starts with Severus seeing Lily and her sister playing in the neighborhood, follows Severus and Lily to Hogwarts and ends with Severus devoting his life to protecting Lily’s son, Harry.
What It Taught Me
Harry Potter teaches love and acceptance. I’m a huge fan of that alone. I was introduced to Harry Potter in fifth grade and remember reading about the poor, scrawny eleven-year-old boy who lived in a literal cupboard and went on to face the biggest baddie with his friends…and came out victorious!
What It Can Teach You
“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” — Albus Dumbledore
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
“Anyone”
The lyrics of “Anyone” grabbed me immediately. The raw need portrayed by such a strong singer as Demi Lovato really grabs you by the throat and forces you to listen. She sings of losing her strength, searching, and coming up empty for replacements. Hopeless helplessness is a very real feeling for caretakers.
What It Taught Me
This song let me go to a really low place. I realized I too, needed someone, anyone, anything to help me.
What It Can Teach You
Be real. Some days you may be at the top of your game, prepping for all those doctor’s visits in advance and getting all the answers. Other days you may stay in your pajamas all day and have breakfast for dinner. Both aspects of your caretaking actions are okay.
“Soon You’ll Get Better”
“Soon You’ll Get Better” is everything I felt when my mom became seriously ill. I felt so many things when I almost lost my mom: the journey of illness, flirting with hope, dancing with delusions, frantically praying, witnessing maternal strength, trying hard to please mom, and missing the old her. This song is the closest I have ever heard to encompass all these feelings.
What It Taught Me
It didn’t teach me anything, it made me cry. And that’s okay.
What It Can Teach You
It’s okay to cry. Taylor softly sings, “In doctor’s office lighting, I didn’t tell you I was scared.” That sentiment is very accurate. I’ve been terrified at the doctor’s office many times. Taylor later sings, “Who am I going to talk to if there’s no you?” That’s the line that really gutted me. I’m so so so close to my mom, if I didn’t have her, what was I going to do? How was I going to do it?
Full-Time Caretaker X2!
This list is intensely personal and specific to my experience as a caretaker. My life sometimes feels as if it’s defined by certain songs and books and shows. I can pinpoint a feeling directly with a movie I watched at a certain time. This is all connected to my journey as a caretaker. I started out confused, unhappy, and inadequate. I became more confused, confident, and capable. I also became a caretaker. I was at first too, but I really became a caretaker when I became an advocate.
I advocate for my mom when we interact with medical professionals. I advocate for my child as we navigate public schools. I advocate for social issues too. Mostly, I advocate for myself. I caretake in a way which is unique to me. It probably doesn’t look like anyone else’s caretaking but that’s okay. There is only me and my mom and my child and if that means dessert first, campfire dinners second and NOVA every night, that’s okay!
Great job Elizabeth! I am very proud of you!